Next step

I have another CT scan tomorrow. This is big because it will tell us how to proceed surgically. I know that I need both of my surgeries redone, but there is a question of using synthetic grafts and rerouting the artery. Options that both my surgeon and me  are not too keen on. The worst part of all of this is the uncertainty that is my life right now. I can't plan on school in September, as I had hoped, I can't be sure I will be able to go to my friend's wedding in Miami this winter, I can't even plan a weekend trip a month in advance. All the positive events that I was looking forward to, I can no longer plan and anticipate. What I have to look forward to now is 2 more painful surgeries with 3+ months of hard recovery. At least for the last surgeries I didn't know what I was in for. Ignorance was bliss. Now I will go into it remembering how much my skin hurt afterwards as the nerves were regenerating. How painful it was to make a wrong step and, just for a fraction of a second, lose your footing. I remember how excruciating it was to have blankets touching the hairs on my legs, but the idea of shaving would be so much worse.

Last time I thought that I would be so productive during my two months off of work. I imagined reading a lot of books, knitting, writing, painting (even thought I rarely/never do any of the last two, I thought my creative spark would be lit). What actually happened was far from productive. The first 4 weeks I was lucky if I slept less than 16 hours/day which consisted of two 4 hour periods of being awake with a 4 hour nap in between. The boredom was brutal. I was quite lucky that the depression didn't get too tight of a grip initially. I was so elated from having my legs fixed once and for all *rolls eyes* that I was able to see past all of it and be happy about walking. This time around, the cloud has already descended and I am going into it all in a much darker state of mind.

I have been trying really hard to focus on positives and only the things I can control. One of my mantras when I get stressed and really anxious is "I can only control this moment" and it really calms me down. Reminding myself that I have no control on any of the outcomes, but I do control how I respond in the moment is completely up to me. Also, I believe, "everything will be alright in the end, and if its not alright, it's not the end"