Next step

I have another CT scan tomorrow. This is big because it will tell us how to proceed surgically. I know that I need both of my surgeries redone, but there is a question of using synthetic grafts and rerouting the artery. Options that both my surgeon and me  are not too keen on. The worst part of all of this is the uncertainty that is my life right now. I can't plan on school in September, as I had hoped, I can't be sure I will be able to go to my friend's wedding in Miami this winter, I can't even plan a weekend trip a month in advance. All the positive events that I was looking forward to, I can no longer plan and anticipate. What I have to look forward to now is 2 more painful surgeries with 3+ months of hard recovery. At least for the last surgeries I didn't know what I was in for. Ignorance was bliss. Now I will go into it remembering how much my skin hurt afterwards as the nerves were regenerating. How painful it was to make a wrong step and, just for a fraction of a second, lose your footing. I remember how excruciating it was to have blankets touching the hairs on my legs, but the idea of shaving would be so much worse.

Last time I thought that I would be so productive during my two months off of work. I imagined reading a lot of books, knitting, writing, painting (even thought I rarely/never do any of the last two, I thought my creative spark would be lit). What actually happened was far from productive. The first 4 weeks I was lucky if I slept less than 16 hours/day which consisted of two 4 hour periods of being awake with a 4 hour nap in between. The boredom was brutal. I was quite lucky that the depression didn't get too tight of a grip initially. I was so elated from having my legs fixed once and for all *rolls eyes* that I was able to see past all of it and be happy about walking. This time around, the cloud has already descended and I am going into it all in a much darker state of mind.

I have been trying really hard to focus on positives and only the things I can control. One of my mantras when I get stressed and really anxious is "I can only control this moment" and it really calms me down. Reminding myself that I have no control on any of the outcomes, but I do control how I respond in the moment is completely up to me. Also, I believe, "everything will be alright in the end, and if its not alright, it's not the end"

Changing the dialogue

Your body is a temple is a phrase we often hear. The idea of giving yourself the proper nutrients needed for a day is a tale as old as time. We all know exercise is crucial and that we need to get enough sleep. We all KNOW this but why do most of us not practice this?

The shift I am making in my mind is to treating my body as a separate entity from my mind and self-identity and showing it the respect that I would show my friends and family. It’s no surprise that I have struggled with self-esteem issues most of my life. I have always been the tall, chubby, freckled red-head. One thing I always noticed was how I would never speak to my friends the way I spoke about my body. I am actually very proud of the person I am, aside from my physicality. I am a loyal friend, good daughter; I am smart and driven.

Yesterday in the grocery store I was starving and I had had an emotional day. I really wanted to get the junk food or ready-made meals but each time I had that craving I asked myself, “Does this choice show respect to my body?” and I walked past my temptations. That is huge for me. I have always used food to soothe me, and in recent years with all the physical and emotional stuff that has been happening, it has become my main source of comfort.

I also caught myself in some negative self-talk yesterday and instead of letting it pass or distracting myself I stopped and said, “Is this a respectful way to speak to your body?” I decided that I have to stop blaming my body and perpetuating the cycle of anger and hate. Sure, it has failed and let me down but it has also done amazing things for me. I am going to stop holding in to a standard of perfection that is not attainable, and start praising all the joys it brings.